Share Your Emotions
Motherhood is an Emotional Roller Coaster Ride, with a Front Seat View!
What You're Feeling, is Real - The Ups, The Downs - You're Not Alone!
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Emotions
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Overly connected to my daughter
I am in a very depressive mood lately, in part because my daughter is growing up. She is fourteen and we have always had a very close relationship. I know she has her own life and I am trying to let her go out on her own. She have a very good solid foundation and I trust she will make the right decisions. I don't know how to handle this separate as she is the only one I can relate to in my house. I don't have a close relationship with my husband and I feel as though I am losing my best friend. I know I need help but am not sure what to do. I find myself crying everyday.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
P.S. I am already taking an antidepressant.
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1
A couple of years ago at a conference sharing small talk, a woman commented on the ages of my children, then 10, 12, 14 and 16, and said how great that my children were almost all launched. I suppose to her, still being in the throws of diapers and playschool, imagining the day when her children would be independent seemed almost dreamy to her. It's one of those things, not unlike childbirth that just cannot be explained to someone who hasn't yet been there. I wish ever mom with young children could truly understand how short childhood is and not to wish it away. What this well-meaning woman couldn't yet understand was the grieving that seems to set in somewhere around the time that you realize that every day is another tiny step our children take away from us. And maybe because no one really talks about this, there isn't any warning that some days, the sadness of those times you can never recapture, can take your breath away.
The other thing she didn't understand was that even though, yes my kids didn't need me to hold their hand across the street anymore, they were still a long way away from not needing me at all. It seems to me, our life can be divided up in these 7 year chunks (0-7: early childhood; 8-14 childhood; 15-21: young adulthood) and every 7 years marks another level of independence which is a big deal transition for them and us. Remeber your 7 year old? Not as many sloppy kisses, not needing mom as much as they said good-bye each morning at school. And just as you got used to that, bam!, puberty strikes and high-school and suddenly our 14 year old's world opens up. And then again, at 21, now a legal adult with an even bigger world before them. So really, if this helps at all, 14 is still only a prelude to 21. She still has another 1/3 of the way to go!
I can remember a friend who purposely worked when her children were little with the intention of backing off her hours when they reached their teen years because she believed that's when they'd need her to be around. I remember another young mom being incredulous at her suggestion but my friend saw the early stages as being more scheduled and easier to slot in care-givers during working hours. The teen years she said were when everything gets tossed up inside for kids and although they look big on the outside, they are still completely raw and unformed on the inside and those moments of needing a parent around weren't something that could be scheduled. As my own children enter this stage, her wisdom rings true, this is the time when they really need us - to be there, to be solid, to be their safe place. I guess what I'm saying is, don't let go too soon.
Your daughter still really needs you. You have so much value at this stage to offer her and what you might discover is another layer of your relationship. I'm constantly amazed once I acclimatize (at best I can that is) to their growth, how it keeps triggering my own.
All the best,
Gail
2
Hi JAH,
My kids are already in the final stage of what Gail described so I am very familiar with the emotions your are describing. I remember looking at my daughter as she left the house one evening with her friends and realizing that she had grown up. This wave of sadness just washed over me because she was no longer my baby. With my son it was equally as hard. There are all these stages in parenthood that nobody really prepares you for. It seems like as soon as you get to a stage where you think "I have this figured out", the rug gets pulled right out from under you and we are left scrambling and trying to sort out a whole new situation!! When I look back on feeling how you are feeling I realize it was more complicated than just the sadness that my kids were grown. I think that in my mind their childhoods were closely linked to my own youth and I had this fear that if they were grown up then I must be getting old! I also remember wondering what my husband and I would have in common if not the daily struggles of raising kids. You mention that your husband and you are not very close perhaps there is some fear there that now you will have nothing in common. Maybe you should talk to your husband about this because you may be surprised by the fact that he is sharing some of your emotions. I think the one thing that I can tell you for sure is that your daughter still needs you and she always will. You describe your relationship with her as too close but can there really be such a thing between a Mother and child? As your daughter becomes older and more mature she will be faced with so many challenges and decisions it is a wonderful thing that she will have you to help her! Believe it or not she really will become your friend and not an unbalanced friendship of an adult and child but an even one of two adults who respect and learn from each other. Please don't waste this stage feeling sad. Please enjoy this stage of your Motherhood and find something that is yours solely so that when your daughter looks at you she sees a happy women and has no guilt about pursuing her own life! Please also talk to your husband and tell him how you feel at the very least he will have a better idea of what is making you sad (in my experience men always think it is about them!!!) Once upon a time you and your husband were on the same page and created a child that you love very much, maybe with a little communication you can get back to that place you once were.
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