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When will I ever be enough?
I thought I left this behind in highschool, this feeling of not being enough, but it's doggedly followed me my whole life and here I am, hitting 45, supposedly middle-aged, if I'm lucky to live that long, and I still don't feel like I'm enough. Enough for what, I do not know. I have a great family - husband and kids. I have my health. I have my own business and although finances are super tight, we don't really want for anything important. So why when I wake up in the morning do I feel like I haven't yet arrived? Arrived where, I don't know. I just know that I wake up and am struck by how many things I have to accomplish, so many in fact, that I know I'll never get to them all and yet the fact that I can't, makes me wonder what's wrong with me. I know I should be wondering what's wrong with my list of things - it's too big for one - but because none of them are taking care of themselves, I feel this overwhelming sense that it must be me. I mean all the other women I know are just as busy, have just as many things to do, are running ragged all day. Do they feel the same way? I often wonder if we don't admit we are to one another because we don't have time to add emoting to our list of things, or if we are so afraid that if we admit it, we'll completely crumble and we don't have time to crumble - there are too many things to do! I wonder too if we don't all harbour a fear that if we were to admit, this is too much - too much for me to handle, too much for me to cope with - that the person we admit it to will confirm, either with their expression or words, that in fact we aren't enough if we can't keep up. It's so terrifying, we just don't say anything at all. So I'm asking any of you, in total confidence, am I the only one who struggles with feeling not enough?
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1
I am pretty sure we all feel the exact same way. Sometimes I feel like I spend all my time and energy trying to climb this giant mountain of things that I don't really care about. I am afraid that if I stop I will be failing everyone so I just keep climbing! I doubt that I will ever get to the top of the mountain and I know that if I don't do all the work that needs to be done that no one else will, then I will just slide farther down on the mountain and have to climb twice as far the next day. So I just keep climbing!
3
I feel this way too. I have always struggled with this part of me that is loud and criticizing. This part that has made me afraid to do things my whole life just in case I screw it up. I have always followed the motto: "Feel the fear and do it anyway" b/c I knew this about myself. i've been able to do a lot of cool stuff because of it. But right now, being a new mom, living in a very isolated area and having all this pressure..from inside..but also outside..b/c yes other women with more kids and busier lives seem to handle it all JUST FINE. But here I am feeling like I'm missing something..or that I will NEVER feel like myself again. I fear not feeling that peace. The peace of being exactly where I'm supposed to me. To not have that voice growling inside me that I need to do more, be more. I gained a lot of weight during my pregnancy. Weight has always been an issue for me. I'm left with 25 sagging lbs. I hate my body right now. I have one pair of pants I can wear. I look like a disaster! Everyday i get up and say okay I'm going to excercise (something I loved before I got pregnant) but everyday..I just don't...I fall short..and my mind is able to use that as one more thing against myself. SO haha..I understand this feeling..and I have a nagging feeling that we know what we have to do. We have to accept, we have to let go and we have to just be. But what are the actions to take? I guess those are different for all of us. There is a tonne of advice out there. I'm not sure how much of it is valid! haha....b/c for some reason I dont' seem to have the time all these other women have. When I have free time..I'm so tired I just want to do something that involves resting and zoning out. Anyway that's it from me! Thanks for the post! I needed it!
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